


The Day After He Left

by Name_Pending



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Needs A Hug, Dean Talks About Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Human Castiel, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Season 9 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-11 23:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11724483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Name_Pending/pseuds/Name_Pending
Summary: Cas phones Dean the morning after he kicked him out of the bunker to apologise for everything he's done.Dean can't take it. It's not Cas' fault, he has to know that. He has to see him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is set right after 9x03. I always hated how Dean kicked Cas out and left him with nothing when he was at his most vulnerable, so this is my attempt at fixing it.

“You can’t stay.” 

Those words haunted him all night. The way Cas had looked at him when he’d said them … that look haunted him, too. All night Dean had lain awake in bed, tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable position. Sometime around three in the morning, he’d finally given up on trying to sleep and gone to the kitchen, ignoring food in favour of alcohol.

He needed to drink until he forgot what he’d done.

Somewhere in the bunker, Sam was asleep right now. He’d be in his room, curled up and snoring, with no idea that he was sharing his headspace with an angel. It wasn’t fair, what Dean had done to him. He never should have agreed to Ezekiel’s terms, but it had been the only thing he could think of. Sam wouldn’t have agreed to the arrangement easily and there was no time to argue. Dean couldn’t let him die.

It surprised him that he could even be surprised any more at the lengths he would go to in order to protect his brother. Demon deals and hellhounds seemed like nothing next to the deception he was living right now. Sam was living a lie he didn’t even realise every single day and Cas…

Cas was gone now. He’d left last night, after Dean had tried to explain and failed miserably. Cas hadn’t wanted to listen to what were obviously half-truths and Dean couldn’t be honest with him. Sam’s life was at stake. Still, it had killed him to see Cas walk away, so obviously angry and hurt and alone. 

He’d told Cas that he should stay the night at least, leave in the morning after some breakfast, but Cas hadn’t listened to him. He’d left then and there, with nothing more than he had arrived with, save for some money that Dean had shoved into his hand whether he liked it or not.

That had been last night. Dean had watched him go, drunk what remained of a bottle of scotch, and gone to bed. Sleep would have been welcome, but he was done trying, and alcohol was calling his name again. Now, he downed three glasses in a row, relishing in the fogginess of his mind. He’d need far more if he was going to pass out drunk, though. 

He was reaching for the bottle when he heard the buzzing of his phone, and he looked over at it lazily. He debated answering it at all, but curiosity got the better of him.

His chest seized when he saw the caller ID: _Cas_. 

Why would he call? He wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important, he had been so angry when he’d left…

Dean stared at the phone for so long that the buzzing stopped and the ‘missed call’ icon appeared. The room was eerily silent when the noise stopped. Dean pictured Cas pocketing his own phone, angry or disappointed or both that Dean hadn’t answered. 

He’d hurt Cas enough. The least he could do was stop being such a goddamned little bitch and answer the phone when his best friend called. It had probably taken a lot of guts for Cas to pick up the phone in the first place. He’d probably had to swallow his pride just to call. Well, Dean could do the same, dammit.

Alcohol might have been affecting his judgement, but it wouldn't be the first time. He picked up the phone and called back.

It rang twice before Cas answered. “Dean?”

“Hey, Cas.” Christ, he didn’t know what to say. “Sorry I didn’t answer, I was … never mind. What’s up?”

There was a pause. “Dean, I just called to say I’m sorry.”

“...What?”

“I’m sorry. For all that trouble I’ve caused you. And for calling so early, I just...” 

No. This was too much. Cas had nothing, _nothing_ , to be sorry for. This wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t done anything wrong, Dean hadn’t kicked him out for something he’d done. It was about saving Sam’s life.

The alcohol was _definitely_ affecting him, he realised, but it didn’t stop him from groaning down the phone. “Cas, stop. Don’t, alright? You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I do.” Cas sighed heavily, sounding like the weight of the world was on him. “I took the tablet and I left and I listened to Metatron. I let him manipulate me and I caused the angels to fall. The fallout that’s going to have … I’m _sorry_ , Dean.”

“Dammit, Cas, shut up!” Dean was on his feet now, pacing around the kitchen. “It doesn’t matter, alright? It doesn’t matter about the angels or Metatron. Cas, that douchebag lied to you and used you. It’s not your fault, you hear me?”

There was only silence at the other end of the line.

“Cas?”

“Then why, Dean?”

He didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. He knew what Cas was asking about.

“Dean? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.” He rubbed his hand over his face, suddenly feeling very tired. “Look, Cas, I said I couldn’t explain right now. I’ll tell you everything, okay? I will, but I can’t right now.”

“I don’t understand, Dean.” Cas’ voice was hard. “If you don’t blame me for the fall then what did I…”

“You didn’t do anything! Cas, look, I _told_ you I can’t tell you yet. Can’t you listen to me? But you haven’t _done_ anything, alright? It’s not your fault, it’s just … it’s just the way things are for now.”

He listened to the silence and took it for the answer it was. Cas didn’t understand. He didn’t believe Dean when he said that this wasn’t about him blaming Cas for something, he blamed himself for so much.

The silence was too much. It was too much to know that Cas was out there somewhere, blaming himself and hating himself, thinking that Dean was mad at him, mad to the point where he’d turned him away.

He thought he could do this. He thought he could prioritise Sam’s life this way but … maybe there was still a way. Maybe Cas couldn’t stay at the bunker with he and Sam, but it didn’t have to be this painful. It didn’t have to be so bad.

“Where are you, Cas?”

This time Cas answered and he sounded surprised. “I’m on a bus.”

Dean’s heart constricted. Cas not being in the bunker was one thing, but him going far enough away that it wasn’t within walking distance? Where was he planning on going? 

“Get off at the next stop and text me where you are.”

“Why?” 

“I’m coming to meet you.”

“ _Why_? Dean, you told me to leave.”

“I know. And I’m sorry, alright? Just … just get off at the next stop and text me and I’ll come meet you. We need to talk.”

Dammit, he hated conversations like these. He was dreading the talk that he knew he and Cas had to have, but he refused to chicken out of it now. He would go through with it if it was the last thing he ever did.

“Cas?”

“I heard you, Dean. I’ll text you when I arrive at … wherever the next stop is.”

_Christ, he’s just got on the first goddamn bus he found, he doesn’t even know where he’s going_ , Dean’s mind supplied. _What have I done?_

“Okay. I’ll … I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes. I will … text you.”

Cas hung up and Dean let his phone slide out of his fingers.

He was still pretty drunk, alcohol making his mind hazy and unfocused. Driving like this was a really, really stupid idea, he knew. He should wake Sam up and get him to drive. Sam would do it if he asked. But he wasn’t going to.

He had to talk to Cas alone. He’d just have to drive really carefully. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d driven drunk.

Dean stood up, stumbled, and decided against the whole idea. He’d just have to do the same as Cas and take the goddamned bus. Although he had no idea how the bus routes worked …

Screw it, he’d take a cab. 

He’d leave as soon as he had a location for where he was going.  


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t long before he received the text from Cas. It was a town in the middle of nowhere that he’d never heard of, but he googled it and found it was only one state over. It’d be an expensive cab ride, but that’s what credit cards were invented for. He was still way too drunk to risk getting behind Baby’s wheel.

He ignored the cab driver’s idle chatter the entire ride, resting his head against the window and lying somewhere between awake and asleep. The whiskey hadn’t faded even as it began to get light out, and he wasn’t sure whether it was for the best or not. Alcohol might make him more irritable or honest when he was talking to Cas, and he had no idea if that was advantageous or not.

He was mostly just feeling uncomfortable by the time the cab stopped and the driver turned around to ask for payment. Dean had the courtesy to add a tip onto the fare before he got out the car, looking around to see where he was.

It was a small town, with basically nothing around. The cab driver had dropped him off outside what had probably once been a shopping centre. Most of the stores were boarded up and rundown, but there were three that looked like they were open: a diner, a pet store and something to do with mobile phones. Cas hadn’t said exactly where he’d be, but the diner seemed the most likely option.

It was early enough that the diner was mostly empty, just two other people inside. One was an old man that looked like he was having a conversation with his bacon and eggs and the other was a young woman who looked like a traveller, probably only in to grab a quick breakfast. He was about to turn around and leave when he spotted Cas, sitting in a booth at the back of the diner, almost hidden from view. Cas had his back to him, but Dean knew it was him.

Dean took a moment to take a deep breath and gather his thoughts. The alcohol’s effect hadn’t completely worn off yet but he already wanted coffee. First, though…

“Hey, Cas.” He waited until Cas turned to look at him before he slid into the other side of the booth, opposite his friend. “Hell of an out the way place you found here.”

“You told me to get off at the next stop, not the next one that was interesting.”

Alright, so Cas was quite clearly still pissed. Dean deserved that.

There was a moment of awkward silence while Dean tried to sort out his thoughts, but he was saved from having to speak by a waitress coming over. She looked tired and bored but she tried to smile at them as she asked what she could get them. Cas didn’t have anything in front of him, Dean noticed. Had he finished a drink already or had he just been waiting here? At this hour the waitress probably didn’t care whether or not he’d ordered anything.

“Just coffee, thanks” Dean said, smiling at her without noticing he was doing it. “Cas?”

Cas looked up from his hands. “Nothing, thank you.”

The waitress nodded and went off to get Dean’s coffee, and Dean waited until she was out of earshot to frown at his friend.

“Did you get something to eat before I got here?”

“No.”

“Cas, you need to eat something. You’re human now.”

“I didn’t notice” Cas muttered, sarcasm dripping off his tone. “I’m not hungry, Dean.”

“Sure you’re not.” Cas probably hadn’t eaten anything since the burrito he’d had at the bunker the evening before; he hadn’t even finished it.

When the waitress returned with his coffee, Dean flashed her a smile and asked her to bring two full breakfasts. She was gone before Cas could protest.

“Dean, I told you I wasn’t hungry.”

“Yeah, I heard you.” He fixed Cas with a hard stare. “I also know you’re lying.”

Cas looked down, but he didn’t seem ashamed. He just looked angry. Dean could understand that, even if he didn’t like it. An uncomfortable silence stretched out between them, making Dean shift uneasily. Cas might be able to sit and endure this, but he wasn’t about to.

“Thanks” he blurted out. “For, y’know, meeting me.”

Cas nodded once.

“I’m glad you called” Dean tried again, figuring that if Cas was going to be a stubborn son of a bitch then he’d have to do the talking. “But I … I had to tell you that all the stuff with Metatron and the angels falling, that wasn’t...”

“The reason you told me to leave?”

Dean pressed his lips together and nodded. “Yeah. Cas, about that...”

The arrival of their breakfast interrupted him, and Dean snapped his mouth shut, not wanting her to overhear. He thanked her quickly for bringing the food and watched her leave before he pushed one of the plates towards Cas.

“Eat.”

He picked up his knife and fork to eat, knowing that Cas wouldn’t listen to him until Dean was eating, too. Sure enough, it only took a few seconds for Cas to copy his actions. Dean smirked at his bacon - Cas had definitely been lying about not being hungry.

The two ate in silence for a while, Dean at a slightly slower pace than Cas. That concerned him; Cas clearly hadn’t thought to eat since he had left the bunker, and he hadn’t had much there before he'd gone. Or maybe he had just wanted to save his money and not waste it on food until he truly had to. The thought filled him with guilt.

Dean waited until more than half the food was gone before he cleared his throat and continued. “I meant it.” Cas looked up at him. “I’m sorry I told you to go. I didn’t want to, but...”

“But what?” Cas snapped. The anger blazed in his eyes but now it was almost drowned out by hurt. “If you didn’t want me to leave you wouldn’t have told me to! Dean, I … I appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t want you to lie to me. You wanted me to leave and you won’t tell me why. That’s fine, but please don’t lie to me. I may be human now, but I’m not a child.”

Dean stared at him in shock, mouth opening and closing uselessly.

Cas put down his fork with some food still left on the plate. “I should go.”

“No!” Dean was on his feet before Cas was, pushing at his friend’s shoulder to stop him from getting up and leaving. Cas didn’t resist him, so he stopped applying pressure but nonetheless let his hand remain on Cas’ shoulder. “I know you’re not a child, Cas. I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t understand _why_ I had to tell you to go.”

“Then tell me.” Cas was looking up at him now, and the anger had died. He looked only tired and hurt now. “Tell me why you turned me away when I needed you.”

The words hit Dean in the chest harder than any punch he’d ever received and hurt more than any bullet or stab wound. He knew what he’d done, but having Cas throw in back in his face like that was too much. He let his hand fall away from Cas’ shoulder.

“Cas, I … I can’t say. Look, I need you to trust me here, man.” He took a deep breath. “Sam’s life depends on you not being in the bunker, alright? I know that sounds like I’m making it up, but you gotta believe me. I can’t explain it right now but I wouldn’t have told you to leave if I wasn’t sure.”

Cas just stared at him, processing what he had said. The stare was intense, but after so many years Dean had grown used to Cas practically staring into his soul. It had made him uncomfortable once, but now he was so used to it that it had just become a part of Cas’ weird personality. Dean had actually grown to like it, not that he would ever admit to it. He actually found it kind of adorable, but he sure as hell wasn’t about to admit to _that_.

Cas looked away first and that was unusual. Dean didn’t like it.

“I don’t understand, Dean.” He stood up slowly and Dean stepped back automatically to give him space. “But I trust you. If Sam’s safety depends on my absence, I won’t return to the bunker.”

Dean’s heart pounded in his chest. “Cas, it’s a temporary thing.”

“How can Sam’s safety be temporary?”

“It just can” Dean growled. He was fed up with not being able to explain; why the hell had Ezekiel been so insistent on keeping his presence a secret? “Look, I swear, this is temporary, Cas. Once Sam’s … better, I’ll tell you why you had to go. And then you can come back and...”

Cas was shaking his head.

“What?”

“Dean, I don’t … I can’t come back.”

“...Cas?”

“I can’t sit around waiting for a phone call to say I can return” Cas said firmly, looking Dean in the eye. “What if I come back and then Sam’s ‘temporary situation’,” - he was adding air quotes again, Dean always found it amusing when he did that - “comes back and I have to leave again to ensure his safety?”

“That’s not gonna happen, Cas.”

“You don’t know that, Dean.” Cas seemed to struggle for words before he met Dean’s gaze, and Dean fought not to look away at the nearly naked betrayal he could see in his friend’s eyes. “I understand that you need to protect Sam. He’s your brother and he comes first. But as much as I would like to be at the bunker with you both, I can’t stay there, waiting for the next time you tell me to leave.”

“Cas, listen to me. That’s _not_ going to happen. This thing with Sam, it’s … it’s a one-time deal.”

“Dean, I can’t go back there just to have to leave again. I can’t.” The anger’s coming back now. “No matter what I’d done or how angry you were with me, I thought … I believed that I mattered enough to you that you would at least want me to stay and help. If my safety at the bunker compromises Sam’s, then I understand why I can’t stay there, but I can’t go through that again.”

Dean didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have to reply, though, because Cas kept talking.

“You don’t trust me enough to tell me why I have to leave. That’s why I can’t come back, Dean.”

Cas shoved past him, walking out the diner before Dean had gathered his thoughts together. He followed Cas and realised at the door that he hadn’t paid for the food or the coffee yet. Tossing down a twenty, he yelled over to the waitress that the money was on the table closest to the door and dashed out after Cas, ignoring her protests. She’d calm down soon enough when she saw he’d left her a tip from the change, anyway.

Cas hadn’t got far. Dean was suddenly glad that his friend couldn’t just fly away any more, and he felt horribly guilty as soon as the thought occurred to him. The loss of his wings was probably an enormous loss to Cas, and Dean felt terrible that he was pleased it had grounded his friend.

“Cas” he called after him as he hurried over to him, getting annoyed when Cas didn’t stop. “Dammit, will you hold up a second!”

Cas stopped and turned to face him just as Dean caught up to him, and he looked incredibly weary all of a sudden. “Dean, you told me to leave so that’s what I’m doing. It’s okay. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine on my own.”

“Yeah, how? How are you gonna eat? Make money? Where are gonna spend the night?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“You don’t know yet” Dean repeated, gesturing wildly without meaning to. “I’d say you’re not gonna be that fine on your own then, are you?”

“That didn’t seem to bother you last night!” Cas snarled at him.

Dean stopped in his tracks, the words making his blood turn to ice. Cas was right. He had turned him away and he’d left him with nothing. He had tried to make himself feel better by reassuring himself that he’d given Cas all the cash he’d had in the bunker, but he’d been fooling himself. He might as well have given him nothing at all.

“I’m sorry” he murmured, reaching out to put a hand on Cas’ shoulder. His heart caught in his throat when Cas shrugged it off. “Cas, I really am. I didn’t think.”

Cas just looked away; he clearly agreed with Dean on that last bit.

Dean didn’t know what happened. One minute he was feeling guilty, just like he had been since the night before, and the next he was suddenly being crushed under a wave of such incredible self-loathing that he almost wished he was back in the pit. He’d get what he deserved there.

God, Cas deserved so much better than him.

He made his mind up in a split second. Ezekiel could go to Hell. He’d never need to know.

“Let me explain.” Dean grabbed Cas by the wrist and pulled. “I saw a motel just before we turned into this dump. We can talk but we need to get somewhere no angels can overhear us.”

Alright, so he was a little paranoid. Sue him.

“We can talk in the car” Cas said half-heartedly, not pulling away.

“I took a cab” Dean said, half smiling foolishly. “I kinda drunk myself stupid last night. Didn’t want to wrap Baby round a tree.”

Cas looked like he was trying not to smile at that, though the anger wasn’t gone from his face. “I don’t see why we can’t talk here.”

“I told you, I’m gonna explain everything. But if the angels all fell then they’re probably all around the place, I don’t wanna risk them listening in.”

Cas nodded and fell into line beside Dean, who released him when he was sure Cas would follow.

“I thought you said you couldn’t explain it” Cas said quietly, not making eye contact. “If talking to me will jeopardise Sam’s life...”

“It won’t” Dean said firmly, sounding more confident than he felt but determined nonetheless to see this through. Sam would be safe so long as Ezekiel didn’t find out, and he wasn’t going to. “Let’s just get to the motel. I’ll explain everything.”

Cas nodded, and the two walked the rest of the way in silence.


	3. Chapter 3

They got just a single room. Dean wasn’t planning on staying long, but he booked it for two nights. Cas could use the room for a couple of days while he figured out his next move. After Dean had _helped_ him figure out his next move, because he was going to. He had a plan of action now.

Well, sort of. Actually, Dean had no real idea what he planned to do, but he knew that he wasn’t going to just walk out of there and leave Cas with nothing. Not this time. Cas deserved better than that. Dean couldn’t risk bringing him back to the bunker - Sam’s life was still at stake, and there was nothing Dean would put before keeping his brother alive - but he could still take care of his friend. He could still help him. It didn’t have to be like it was last night, with Cas leaving, angry and confused and upset, and Dean left behind, seething with guilt and hidden anger at Ezekiel.

He was going to do better this time. First, though, he had to get Cas on board.

Dean locked the door behind him and sat down at the edge of the bed, saying nothing until Cas joined him. There was a foot and a half of space between them, which was strange for them - he and Cas tended to sit close to one another, something that Dean took so for granted that he found it almost uncomfortable to have Cas choose to stay so far away.

Not that he could blame him.

This time, Cas broke the silence first. “You said you were going to explain.”

Dean nodded and tried to figure out where to start. “Alright. So, um … do you hear prayers any more?”

Cas blinked at him. “I’m not an angel any more, Dean.”

Right. Stupid question.

“Yeah. Sorry, I’ll … okay, so you know how Sam was going to use Crowley to finish the trials?” he waited for Cas to nod in understanding. “Well, it didn’t go as planned.”

Dean found that once he’d started talking it was easier to get through it all than he’d imagined. He told Cas how he’d rushed Sam to a hospital, how he’d prayed for the help of any angel that would come, how he’d met Ezekiel who’d told him he could heal Sam from the inside. He told him that Sam didn’t know there was an angel possessing him, and that Ezekiel was too wary of Castiel’s presence in the bunker. He told him about the angel’s ultimatum and about how he had forced Dean to swear to tell Castiel nothing of his presence inside Sam.

Dean talked and talked until he arrived in his story at the point where he had spoken to Cas and told him that he couldn’t stay at the bunker, and then he snapped his mouth shut abruptly. Cas knew that part already, he didn’t need to relive it.

Cas hadn’t said a word since Dean had started talking. He had maintained eye contact, though, and now that Dean was quiet he looked away.

Dean tried to give him a moment to process all the information, but he was impatient. “Cas?”

Cas looked at him suspiciously. “You let an angel possess Sam without his knowledge?”

“Yes. I asked you about him and you said he was a good soldier, so I took a chance. It was the only way to save Sam’s life.”

“I suppose” Cas nodded, clearly less than wholly convinced but he seemed to let it go for now. “So when you said that Sam’s life depending on my leaving?”

“I meant that Zeke would leave if you stayed, and then Sam would probably die. Cas, I just couldn’t take the chance.”

Cas nodded, understanding flashing across his face momentarily before he frowned again - that same cute little frown that had always graced his face when he didn’t understand something, usually one of Dean’s pop culture references. “Dean, if Ezekiel has been so insistent that you not tell me about him, then why have you told me?”

“Because he took it a step too far” Dean said firmly. “He may not trust you to keep him a secret, but I do. If I want to tell you, I will. He doesn’t get to dictate to me that I can’t tell you the goddamned reason why I told you to go.”

“I understand now.”

A silence fell over the two of them, more comfortable than before but still noticeably strained. Cas understood now, but he was still hurt and he would be alone again as soon as Dean went back to the bunker. Things weren’t okay.

“I’ll make you up some fake credit cards” Dean blurted out. “For money. So you can get around and go wherever without worrying about the cash.” He took a deep breath and looked straight ahead, at a somewhat dirty motel wall. “You don’t have to go far, though.”

Cas was staring into him again, and it took all the willpower he had to meet his eyes.

“I mean, you can stick close to the bunker. I’ll keep an eye on you.”

Dean had meant that to be reassuring - being completely human for the first time had to be a bit frightening - but Cas frowned at him.

“Dean, I don’t need you to keep an eye on me. I’d appreciate your help with the credit cards. They’ll be very useful to me. But you don’t need to babysit me.”

A spike of irritation flared in the hunter. “It’s not babysitting, Cas, it’s showing you that I give a damn!”

Cas looked away and didn’t reply.

Dean was talking again before he’d even realised he’d opened his mouth. “I didn’t want this, Cas. I didn’t want you to go but you know that I have to keep Sammy safe. That doesn’t mean I want you gone. Nobody wants you home with us more than I do.” He looked away, face flushing red at the confession. Cas was paying attention now, and he avoided eye contact as he quietly continued. “I messed up yesterday. I’m sorry for that.”

“You did what was necessary to protect Sam. I understand, Dean.”

“No, you don’t.” Dean looked up at him. “You don’t get it, Cas. I _need_ to keep Sam safe. And I feel like shit for what I put you through.”

Cas’ lips lifted into a half-smile. “It’s no worse than many of the things I’ve forced you to endure. I meant what I said, Dean, about being sorry for taking the demon tablet and running. Even if you didn’t ask me to leave because of it, I’m still responsible for the fall.”

“I think it’s Metatron that’s to blame, Cas” Dean said gently, knowing how easily Cas took blame onto his shoulders - he was Dean’s rival in that. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Cas nodded once and looked away. Dean sighed but let it go; convincing Cas that he wasn’t to blame would be a lengthy endeavour, one that he had neither the words nor the energy for right now. He had a more important job, besides. He had to keep Cas close until he could return to the bunker.

“You should stay close to the bunker” he said again, making it sound like it was just common sense. “It’s safest for you and I might actually be able to sleep at night.”

“I doubt my absence will prevent you from sleeping, Dean.” Cas spoke in a light tone, it was just a statement he believed, not one intended to hurt Dean. Yet it slammed into Dean like a truck, the knowledge that Cas thought himself so inconsequential to the hunter absolutely crushing.

Did Cas really think that he was going to be able to sleep at night, not wondering constantly about whether or not his best friend was still alive? Did he really think that Dean would forget about him the second he was gone?

The answer was obvious and it hurt like hell.

Dean took a deep breath and before he could talk himself out of it he reached over to put one hand on Cas’ knee, forcing the angel - the former-angel - to look at him.

“It kept me from sleeping last night. After you left I was so wound up I started drinking so I could pass out and it wasn’t enough. It didn’t help, Cas. Even after the beer and the scotch I was still lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. All I could think about was how I’d kicked you out and I didn’t know where you’d gone.” He paused, waiting for Cas to make eye contact. “Cas, do you seriously think I stop giving a damn about you the second you walk out the door?”

Cas seemed stricken. “I’ve ‘walked out the door’, as you put it, enough times to know that it bothers you when I do.” He seemed to debate something internally before he continued. “That was what puzzled me most when you told me to leave. I had intended to stay with you and I thought that would make you happy.”

Dean gulped. He hadn’t realised that Cas knew how much he hated it whenever the angel left them, left _him_. Knowing that Cas was fully aware of it made him a little uncomfortable, but he pushed it aside quickly - Cas knew far more personal things about him, anyway.

“It did make me happy, Cas” he murmured, so quietly he couldn’t be sure that Cas would hear him without the angel-hearing. “I want you to stay. I wanted to punch Zeke in the face for saying you had to go. I probably would’ve if he hadn’t been wearing Sam’s face.”

The two chuckled a little.

“I want to stay, too, Dean.” Cas smiled at him. “I’ll try and stay close. I won’t go further than a few states around the bunker.”

It wasn’t close enough, Dean wanted to say, but he didn’t voice his protests. He knew that Cas was trying, knew that it wasn’t fair to keep him tethered to a place he couldn’t yet return to.

“What will you do?”

“I don’t know.” Cas looked sad suddenly. “I’ll try to help my brothers and sisters as best I can, I suppose. If they’ll let me.”

“Cas, you’re human. You need to take it easy. The angels have it out for you, you shouldn’t go anywhere near them.”

Cas looked like he wanted to argue, but he didn’t say anything. Dean hadn’t said anything that he hadn’t already known, after all. Cas already knew full well just how despised he was among the angels. No matter how much it pained him, he knew that it was best to stay out of their way for a while. He just didn’t know what to do instead.

“Maybe I’ll take up hunting” he said, not really seriously.

“I’m vetoing that. You made a lousy hunter, Cas” Dean said, keeping his voice light and teasing so Cas wouldn’t be offended. “Maybe after some training. Once you get back to the bunker, if you want, I can teach you. Me and Sam can, I mean.”

“I’d like that.”

The two smiled at each other, and it suddenly occurred to Dean that his hand was still on Cas’ knee. The two had gravitated closer to one another during the conversation, and now they were nearly touching thighs. It was almost too close for comfort, and yet Dean wanted to be closer. He pushed the notion out of his head but he didn’t move away, or take his hand off his friend’s knee.

“Hey, Cas?” He waited until Cas looked interested. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“C’mon, Cas. I’m … I’m trying to be honest here, man. Talk to me. How’re you doing?”

Cas thought for a moment. “I’m okay. Being human is … very strange. It’s not like it was the first time I was falling. All the little rituals humans go through are interesting, and confining. But I expect I’ll adapt. I’ve already learned to differentiate the stomach pains that mean hunger from those that indicate a full bladder.”

Dean barked out a laugh - at least Cas hadn’t lost his complete lack of modesty. Still, what Cas had said wasn’t lost on him.

“You shouldn’t let yourself get too hungry, Cas. Try and remember to eat, alright? I’ll set you up those credit cards so food won’t be a problem.”

“Thank you." 

Yet another silence. Dean was about to say that he should go, or at the very least call Sam - he’d been gone for hours now and hadn’t thought to leave a note. That was dumb. Sam probably wouldn’t check on him until later in the day - Dean occasionally did enjoy a lie-in - but if he did check and Dean was gone the big girl would panic. Extra stress was not what Sam needed right now. Dean should text him.

“Dean? Your hand is still on my knee.”

And suddenly all thoughts of Sam or texting were gone, and all Dean could focus on was the fact that he’d left his hand on his friend’s leg for long enough that Cas had not only noticed, but thought to mention it.

Dean pulled his hand back like Cas’ leg was suddenly scalding hot.

“Sorry.” He willed his reddened face to turn back to its natural colour. “Didn’t notice.”

“It’s okay, Dean. I liked it.”

Dean looked up sharply just in time to see Cas look away. The look on his face told Dean that he hadn’t meant to say that.

Great. Now they were back to awkward silence.

Dean swallowed hard. He knew he’d have to break the silence first. What the hell was he supposed to say?

They were verging on territory that he had no idea how to navigate. He and Cas had always been close and in the last year or so - since Purgatory, really - he had been close to the angel in a whole new way. Nothing had really changed between them, but they’d been more open and honest with each other, at least until fairly recently.

He still remembered feeling his heart pound violently in his chest when Cas confessed that he was afraid he might kill himself. He still remembered Cas beating the shit out of him in the crypt, remembered begging him to stop. He remembered telling Cas that he needed him and knowing it was true - but it hadn’t been what he had intended to say.

He had been going to tell Cas that he cared about him, praying that it would be enough to get through to the angel. He wasn’t going to use the ‘L’ word, not yet; there was a mental block in his brain that meant that particular word was still most definitely off limits. Yet he’d wanted to say something to Cas back then, something that he’d chickened out of and rephrased.

He was getting the urge to say it again now.

Looking over at Cas, he noticed how worried the poor guy looked right now. He probably thought that Dean was going to overreact and freak out at him. Or maybe he was scared that Dean was going to launch into the whole no-homo speech.

Dean Winchester was many things - emotionally constipated among them - but he was not a coward. He’d chickened out of this once before and he had come so close to losing Cas since then. The memory of that reaper killing him was burned into his mind and it blazed in his head now, reminding him of how lost and empty he’d felt in those moments when Cas had been dead.

It wouldn’t matter if he said the words or not. He would feel like hell when he lost Cas anyway. So he might as well be able to say that he didn’t chicken out of this a second time.

Dean swallowed again, this time reaching out tentatively to put one hand gently on Cas’ back, just at the base of his neck. He felt Cas tense up until his touch and he stroked the clothed skin there reassuringly.

“It’s okay. That you liked it.” Cas looked over at him hesitantly, clearly uncertain. “Is this okay?”

Cas nodded slowly, relaxing into the touch. “Dean...”

“I lied, before.”

“About what?”

“When I said I didn’t notice. About my, uh, hand on your knee. I did notice, I just didn’t move.”

Blue eyes widened in understanding and Cas smiled. “It’s okay, Dean. I wasn’t lying, either.”

“Good.”

Their eyes locked, there was a moment of intense silence, and then Cas was grinning and Dean was laughing and neither knew which of them started it first. The tension broke suddenly, and it left them both feeling far more relaxed.

When the laughter dissipated, Dean huffed out a breath and reached forward without really thinking. He pulled Cas into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the former angel’s shoulders and clinging onto him. Cas returned the embrace with only slight hesitance, easily relaxing in Dean’s arms.

It felt different, Dean realised, to holding a woman. Women tended to be smaller and leaner and he would feel their breasts against his chest. Holding Cas was different. He was smaller than Dean but there wasn’t much in it, he was broader and his chest was flat against Dean’s. Yet for all that it was different, Dean could’ve sworn that this felt as comfortable and familiar as anything he’d ever experienced.

At the same time, it was new and terrifying and freeing.

He let his hand drift up to cup Cas’ head, fingers stroking the dark tresses. He felt Cas sigh into his neck and his stomach grew warm as he felt how close the guy’s lips were to his skin.

If he had ever been under any illusion that he was not physically attracted to Castiel then it was most definitely shattered now.

He pushed Cas away slightly, looking into wary blue eyes as he rested his forehead against Cas’. The angel - okay, so Dean wasn’t ever going to be able to stop thinking of Cas as his angel, no matter how human he was now - swallowed and licked his lips. God, they were so _close_.

“Dean” he whispered. “Are we going to...”

“Yes” he whispered back, leaning in without further preamble to press his lips against Cas’.

Kissing Castiel was exhilarating and terrifying and perfect and damning. His lips were unsure at first, giving away his inexperience, but he caught on quickly. He pressed back against Dean, wrapping his arms more tightly around the hunter’s shoulders. Dean tilted his head for a better angle and Cas parted his lips in response. It was more a reflex than anything else, but when Dean responded in kind and ran his tongue just along the seam of Cas’ mouth the former angel gasped without meaning to.

The two pulled away before things could go any further, just enough so that their lips weren’t quite meeting. They still held onto each other tightly.

“What just happened?” Cas asked, sounding breathless and amused and honest-to-God _happy_. He hadn’t sounded happy all day, and Dean wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Cas sound like this. He knew that he wanted to hear it every day from now on.

“I think we just stopped being idiots.”

The two laughed together and when their eyes met the laughter stopped so their lips could come back together. The next kiss was lighter, more innocent and playful, but just as intimate.

They pulled back again and were probably just about to dive right back into each other when they were interrupted by the buzzing coming from Dean’s pocket.

Dean pulled away sharply. “Christ, sorry. I swear to God that’s just my phone!”

“I gathered that, Dean” Cas said, huffing out a laugh. “You should probably answer it.”

“Whoever’s calling is officially dead to me” Dean grumbled, yanking his phone out of his pocket and then laughing when he saw it was Sam calling. “Raincheck.”

Cas shook his head fondly as Dean answered the phone.

“Dude, where are you?” Sam asked, sounding worried enough that Dean felt vaguely guilty.

“Out” he said, glancing at Cas. “I forgot to give Cas something so I had to catch up with him.”

“Forgot to give him what? Why did he leave, anyway?”

“Credit cards” Dean said easily - it was probably the easiest answer and not even a lie. “It went out my head.”

“You could’ve left a note, Dean.” Sam sounded pissed.

“Yeah, sorry, I forgot. I’ll grab some of your girly salad stuff on the way back, alright?”

Sam snorted and told him to remember to buy both fruit _and_ vegetables before hanging up. Dean rolled his eyes, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. Yeah, Sammy sounded less than happy. He would definitely have to grab some healthy stuff before he got back to the bunker. And pie, of course, though not for his six foot four health freak of a brother.

Cas was watching him.

“Is Sam alright?”

“Yeah, he just wanted to know where I am. I kinda forgot to leave a note.”

Cas rolled his eyes before reaching out to take Dean’s hand - then he seemed to hesitate and pulled his hand away.

“Cas? You okay?” 

“You said you were going back to the bunker.”

“Yeah. I need to get back to Sammy, make sure Zeke’s actually doing his job in there.” Dean reached out and grabbed Cas’ hand. “The sooner that’s done with the sooner you can come back home. For good this time.”

He held his breath while he waited for Cas to reply. What if Cas refused to come back? He had earlier, and now things were getting complicated between them…

“I look forward to it” Cas said with a smile, allowing Dean to release the breath he’d been holding. Then he frowned. “Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“When I come to the bunker, will you and I … what will we be?”

Dean gulped but forced himself to maintain eye contact. “I dunno, Cas. What do you want to be?”

“I want us to be together.”

The way Cas said it, like it was a sheer statement of fact and that anything else would be unacceptable, gave Dean strength. If Cas was sure, then he could be sure, too.

“Me too.”

They smiled at each other and Dean had an idea. He let go of Cas’ hand to get up and find the remote for the crappy TV at the end of the bed, switching it on and finding some grainy picture of an old monster movie. It was probably terrible, but hey, he wasn’t doing this because he wanted to watch the movie.

He flopped back onto the bed, this time leaning on the headboard and stretching his legs out in front of the TV. He opened one arm invitingly.

“C’mon, let’s watch some crappy TV” he said, hoping that he didn’t look as nervous as he felt.

Cas eyed him warily. “I thought you had to get back to Sam?”

“Yeah, at some point. First let’s just watch whatever the hell this is.”

Cas looked suspiciously at the television before apparently deciding not to comment. He scooted over to Dean and seemed unsure of how to fit himself in against Dean’s body. Noticing the hesitation, Dean reached out and pulled him down so that Cas was lying alongside him, his head on Dean’s chest. Dean had one arm around him, and his other hand caught Cas’ and linked their fingers together over his stomach.

Cas didn’t seem like he knew what was happening and Dean didn’t really know either. How had they got from arguing to cuddling?

He decided that he didn’t care.

With anybody else he would probably have been more interested in ripping off clothes and getting right down to it as quickly as he could, but not with Castiel.

There was still a part of him that wasn’t sure how it was even going to work - alright, so he knew the mechanics of the act, but he had never slept with a man in his life. He wasn’t sure about attempting it until he’d actually done some research, though the mere thought of it made his face burn. Besides, Cas had so recently slept with that bitch reaper, and Dean wasn’t yet sure just how much consent Cas had given. He had to talk to him about it before they did anything more serious together.

There were also things they still had to talk about. They hadn’t decided yet what Cas was going to do or where he was going to go before he returned to the bunker, and all Dean was sure of was that no matter what, he would keep seeing Cas all the while. He didn’t need to wait until the guy moved in. He would go out and meet him, they could have a drink together like they were actually dating, and wasn’t _that_ just a weird fricking thought.

Most of all, though, he knew that Cas was different, and not just because of the male body. Cas wasn’t just some random one-nighter, he was _Cas_. He was Dean’s best friend, someone Dean probably loved even if he wasn’t ready to go there mentally yet. Cas was special and vulnerable and they should take this slowly.

And if it made him a chick for wanting nothing more than to lie here and cuddle with the guy until he had to leave, then so be it. With Cas’ heart beating against his side and his cute little nose nuzzling against his chest, Dean could deal with the chick flick moment.

It was going to be the first, he hoped, of many.


End file.
